


Not A Good Idea

by Single_Man_Tear



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Anxious Castiel, Caring Dean, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluffy Ending, Happy Ending, Helpful Dean, Light Angst, M/M, Online Friendship, Online Relationship, Pining Castiel, Social Anxiety, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 13:15:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4480625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Single_Man_Tear/pseuds/Single_Man_Tear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was a bad idea. Cas had known it from the moment he woke up at four in the morning, a good three hours before he needed to be up. He might have known longer than that. More like the second after he hastily, without thinking, replied “Yes!” to the message in his inbox asking he wanted to meet. In the minutes follow Cas suddenly remembered his crippling social anxiety and general fear of meeting new people and realized he had made a very grave mistake. He and Dean had been going out for three months, had been best friends for over six. They had never met in person and Dean thought it was about time they did. Cas agreed when he answered, but not anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not A Good Idea

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!! I tried to post this last week but it didn't upload. -_- Rude internet connection. Anyways, first online dating/meeting au! Hope you guys enjoy!! :D

This was a bad idea. Cas had known it from the moment he woke up at four in the morning, a good three hours before he needed to be up.

He might have known longer than that. More like the second after he hastily, without thinking, replied “Yes!” to the message in his inbox asking he wanted to meet. In the minutes follow Cas suddenly remembered his crippling social anxiety and general fear of meeting new people and realized he had made a very grave mistake.

He and Dean had been going out for three months, had been best friends for over six. They had never met in person and Dean thought it was about time they did. Cas agreed when he answered, but not anymore.

Now he was huddled in the 116th Street Station under Columbia University, freezing his ass off because all the taxes he paid the city did nothing, apparently, to get heat installed in the New York City underground. The crowd of coffee clutching commuters around him were shivering and grumbling to themselves about the cold. Cas stood a few paces away under one of the lights, under the illusion it would offer him some extra warmth, watching train after train fly by.

He knew he should be excited. Over the past few months he had fantasized about all the ways he and Dean could meet, each more astronomical than the next. He had a rather elaborate imagination, he had to in order to keep up with all his ridiculous coursework. But now that the moment had finally come, all he could do was panic, fear bubbling in his chest. His jacket was too warm. The Hufflepuff scarf he had worn so he could be spotted through the crowd was suddenly too tight.

It was all World of Warcraft’s fault really. If he hadn’t logged on and decided to battle with some rising champion named Impala67, he would not be in this situation. Or maybe if he had won the battle instead of losing for the first time in almost three years, he wouldn’t have felt the need to click the chat button and confront the arrogant winner whose avatar was doing a victory dance on his screen over Cas’s character’s mangled body. He was not expecting such a deep, cheerful voice to greet him. He was not expecting to fall in love with that voice instantly and find himself exchanging emails and tumblr urls within minutes, escalating to numbers in a couple of days. Soon they were playing every day, teaming up on quests while chatting animatedly about their days. When they finished online, they would text and email, both getting Skype so they could talk somewhat face to face.

It turned out Dean and Cas were only forty five minutes apart (Dean was going to Stevens Institute of Technology for engineering and Cas was an art major at Columbia School of the Arts). Cas would often show him the drawings he was working on or ask him to read a story he was writing for his Creative Writing class. Dean sometimes held up some strange robot he was working on, making it ride across his desk and Cas would always clap for him, which made Dean roll his eyes but smile all the same.

They talked about anything and everything, never getting tired of just chatting, something Cas hated doing face to face. The other night they had a two hour conversation about macaroni and cheese. Apparently, Dean was an expert on the meal. It was the only thing Cas could make without setting his stove on fire.

Ten minutes to go and Cas was having a full on anxiety attack, thinking about all the things that could go wrong. What if he tripped Dean and made him fall into an oncoming train? What if he tripped and got run over by an oncoming train? What if Dean didn’t show up? What if Cas thought Dean was someone else and started talking to a random stranger? Or worse, what if Cas just froze and didn’t say anything at all?

Yes, freezing and not being able to speak was worse than getting his boyfriend killed by the subway. Just like Hermione, who thought getting expelled was worse than dying.

Five minutes.

If he left now, he could make up some excuse. A family emergency. Maybe he got sick. Forgot to feed his fish. His building was on fire. Dean would understand. They could reschedule for next week and, by then, Cas would have another excuse prepared so he wouldn't have to go.

Four minutes.

As the next train rolled up, Cas took his chance, pushing through the crowd and running toward the steps.

“Cas?” Not fast enough. Cas froze on the steps, getting jostled by people but turning around all the same. Back on the platform, a face full of freckles with bright green eyes was staring up at him.

“...Dean...:” He whispered, watching as Dean struggled through the people pushing toward the train.

Without thinking, again, Cas turned and ran.

***

Cas didn’t look at his phone again until late Saturday night, over twenty four hours after he had run off and left Dean on the platform. He hadn’t dared to get on the computer, knowing Dean would have emailed him and spammed him on tumblr.

Dean wouldn’t understand. He didn’t struggle with confidence issues. He didn’t shy away from new people. He didn’t struggle to carry on a conversation. Cas couldn’t talk to someone for more than two minutes without boring them to death or just running out of things to say. Even with Charlie, whom he had been best friends with since kindergarten. She understood, but most people didn’t.

All his past boyfriends, and there hadn’t been many, never lasted more than a month. They got bored, thought he was dull and got annoyed when he admitted he wasn’t comfortable at parties and didn’t like the idea of getting drunk. He rarely told anyone how anxious he was in public because they always laughed at him, or pitied him. He hated it, hated himself for being the way he was. The only person, besides Charlie, that knew anything about his struggles, was Dean. He never gave him a pitying look or made fun of him, but Cas knew that would change the second they met in person.

As he turned on his phone for the first time in thirty five hours, he was expecting a couple of angry texts, yelling at him for leaving. What he was not expecting, was for his phone to buzz for a solid two minutes, text after text pouring in, making the screen go haywire. With shaking hands, he tapped the message icon.

All of them, every single message, were from Dean.

_**Cas? What happened??-Dean** _

_**Is everything okay?-Dean** _

_**Are you okay? Is something wrong??-Dean** _

_**Cas, kind of freaking out over here…-Dean** _

_**Talk to me, Cas, you know you can tell me anything.-Dean** _

_**Cas, please answer me…-Dean** _

_**Cas?-Dean** _

Every text after that became increasingly frantic, worry evident in his words. He started apologizing, even though he didn’t know what he was sorry for, desperate to make things right. Cas’s eyes grew moist and he blinked frantically in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. Why was he so nice? Why was he so worried? So understanding? Cas didn’t deserve that.

As soon as he got to the last text message, sent fifteen minutes prior, another one rolled in with two simple words. Two words that were Cas’s downfall.

**_Angel...please.-Dean_ **

Dean had been calling Cas angel from the beginning. That first night when Cas tried to argue that Dean cheated and that was the only way he won. It struck Cas in a way he had never felt. No one had ever called him angel before. It was Dean’s special name for him.

Fingers quivering, it took Cas three tries to type a short reply.

_**Hello Dean.-Cas** _

 

_**Cas??!! What happened? Are you okay?? Jesus I was freaking out!!-Dean** _

__

_**I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you.-Cas** _

__

_**Is everything okay??-Dean** _

__

_**I can’t do this, Dean.-Cas** _

 

_**…...What?-Dean** _

Cas sniffed, wiping his now streaming eyes and trying to find the right words to reply.

_**I can’t meet you. It would ruin everything.-Cas** _

__

_**I don’t understand, Cas.-Dean** _

__

_**I’m not good enough. You wouldn’t like me once we met.-Cas** _

__

_**....Are you serious right now…?-Dean** _

Cas groaned, thumping his head on the back of the couch. He should have known Dean wouldn’t understand this. That he would have to explain, even though he didn’t want to.

_**Dean, I’m not good enough for you. I’m boring, have no sense of humor, and** _  
_**can’t string two words together in person. I’m not special. I’m afraid of meeting** _  
_**people and I’m not even remotely attractive. You would get bored and tired of** _  
_**me within five minutes. I’m a giant ball of anxiety that barely manages to make** _  
_**it through the day without having a panic attack. So I can’t meet you, because I** _  
_**can’t deal with the thought of losing you when you discover what I’m really like.** _  
_**I’m sorry.-Cas** _

A few minutes passed in silence, Cas staring down at his phone while he waited for a reply. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, maybe a quick response like, “Okay,” or “You’re right”. What he was not expecting, when his phone finally went off a couple minutes later, was a paragraph long message.

**_Don’t you ever say that again, Cas. Why would you think that about yourself??_ **  
**_You most certainly are not boring. You’re the most interesting person I’ve ever_ **  
**_met! I could just sit and watch you draw for hours. As for the talking, I talk_ **  
**_enough for the both of us so I’ve got it covered. And of course you’re special. No_ **  
**_one can draw like you can. You put all us lesser artists to shame! You’re talented,_ **  
**_you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re kind, and I don’t want you thinking anything less.-Dean_ **

_**You’re not going to lose me, Cas. Having anxiety doesn’t make you any less of a person.** _  
_**It doesn’t make me love you any less. It’s not something to be ashamed of. I’ll be there** _  
_**whenever you need me, I’ll do everything I can to make you feel better.** _  
_**So if you want to end this relationship for any other reason, I’ll walk away. But I will not give** _  
_**up on us because you don’t think you’re good enough. If you aren’t ready to meet, that’s fine.** _  
_**I don’t mind if we spend the rest of our years together just talking over the phone and playing** _  
_**World of Warcraft every night, as long as it means I get to call you mine. I love you, Cas.** _  
_**You’re perfect.-Dean** _

Cas stared down at his phone for a long time, tears freely flowing, dropping onto his hands and staining his shirt. Slowly, he set it down and turned to lay on his stomach, burying his face in the pillow and breathing heavily.

No one had ever said that to him before. His past boyfriends, his friends, even his family, thought that his anxieties, his confidence issues, were stupid. They told him his fears were irrational, called him strange. His boyfriends said he held them back, that he was boring because he didn’t like to go out. No one told him it was normal to be afraid. No one offered to help him through it. Cas didn’t know what to do with this new information.

That’s when his phone went off again. Without looking up, he reached out and snatched it off the table.

One new message.

**_(And not that I saw you for long, but you looked pretty hot to me ;D)-Dean_ **

Cas snorted. Leave it to Dean to cheapen the moment, but it was just what Cas needed, and Dean knew it. He always knew how to cheer Cas up. After taking a couple minutes to calm himself down, Cas finally replied.

_**Then I’ll see you tomorrow at 10am.-Cas** _

***

“Thank God for coffee…” Cas whispered to himself, huddled under the same light, clutching his Starbucks to his chest so the steam from the open cup would warm his face.

His hair was damp from the slowly melting snow, his shoulders sprinkled in it like someone had dumped powdered sugar on him as he walked by. Of course the sky decided to open and unleash icy balls of hatred on him just as he walked out the door. Normally he would enjoy a walk in the snow, but not on days where he was worried about the state of his hair and couldn’t wear a hat.

The clock was ticking but he avoided looking at it, that familiar feeling of panic already rising in his chest again. He knew if he saw how close it was to ten that he would bolt again. He couldn’t do that to Dean.

So he tapped his foot, drummed his fingers on his quickly cooling coffee before finally finishing it in a hurried gulp and shakily walking to the nearest trashcan to get rid of it. He stayed there after; the clock was out of view on that side of the station.

The Sunday crowd was much thinner, giving Cas a good view of the platform. Most of the commuters were college students heading further into the city, others returning home early to relax for their last two days off.

Finally, Cas couldn’t take it anymore, taking a few steps forward and peeking up at the clock.

Two minutes.

Two minutes until the ten o’clock train came. Dean had texted almost an hour ago saying he would be on time. Cas hoped he was. He wouldn’t last much longer. All those same insecurities from two days before crept back into the front of Cas’s mind, poking at him until his hands were shaking, legs twitching to run.

The ten o’clock train screeched to a halt in front of him, and staring at him from the front of the crowd inside with a wide grin on his face, was Dean. Cas blinked back at him, waiting on bated breath for the doors to open.

The second they did, Dean jumped out, running to Cas and dropping his bag on the ground. He paused, just for a second, arms outstretched as though he was about to go in for a hug. But he waited, waited to make sure Cas was okay. His smile wavered when Cas didn’t respond, arms lowering a fraction of an inch.

That was all Cas needed.

A smile broke across his frozen face and he closed the gap, jumping into Dean’s open arms and burying his face in the taller man’s shoulder. He didn’t know he’d be taller than him. He heard a deep chuckle in his ear before two strong arms crushed Cas to his chest. He felt a nose on his forehead followed by a swift press of lips to his hairline that left Cas’s skin tingling, smile widening until it hurt.

“Hiya, Cas.” Dean’s voice rumbled.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas murmured against his leather jacket. He smelled better than Cas had imagined, like burning oak wood and leather. Something slightly musky and so overwhelmingly Dean that Cas didn’t want to step away.

But he had to. They were in the middle of a subway station, both freezing and they wouldn’t be able to hear each other over the roar of the trains. So he pulled back just enough to see Dean’s face, trying to quickly memorize the features he had only seen through the fuzzy video chats that did no justice to the perfect symmetry and planes of Dean’s face. The strong jaw, laugh lines around his eyes, the sharp cheekbones and barest hint of dimples in his cheeks from his smile. But what Cas couldn’t stop staring at were his eyes.

A brilliant green, the brightest he had ever seen, framed with long lashes that cast shadows across his face in the crappy station lighting. Dark, forest green around the outside, growing gradually lighter further in, flecks of gold splattering the irises. He had never seen anything like it before. His fingers itched for something to paint with.

“Cas?”

“You’re eyes are so green.” Cas blurted out, blushing furiously when he realized what he’d said.

Dean blinked at him in surprise before throwing his head back and laughing. It was a deep, throaty laugh that filled the whole station and was completely contagious. Cas tried to suppress his chuckle, but it was no use when Dean’s laugh turned into a fit of giggles, one hand resting on Cas’s shoulder to steady himself.

“Thanks, Cas.” He said with a smile, face flushed and eyes bright. Cas smiled back. Dean appraised him for a moment before adding, “Your eyes are very blue.” Cas knew he wasn’t mocking him, that it was a true compliment, and he felt himself blushing again.

Dean reached up and tenderly touched Cas’s cheek, still appraising him, looking for any hesitation.

“Cas...can I-?”

Before he could finish Cas was nodding. But Dean still went slow, carefully leaning down until their lips were mere centimeters apart. Cas could feel the warm breath on his lips, hear his own pulse racing in his ears as he waited, their eyes locked as Dean gave him one last chance to pull away.

Their lips brushed, didn’t linger. Just testing the waters.

Dean waited.

Cas didn’t, surprising both of them by surging forward, arms tangling around his neck as he pulled Dean down again and locked their lips once more. Dean’s answering smile made it nearly impossible to kiss properly, but neither of them cared. Cas’s hands were in his hair, Dean’s arms tight around his waist, almost lifting him off the floor. They could have stayed that way for hours and not noticed, too wrapped up in their own little world to notice the grumbling commuters around them or hear the passing trains.

When the need to breathe became too impossible to ignore they pulled away, foreheads resting against each other, arms still holding on tight.

Cas’s smile was wide and bright, eyes crinkling at the corners as he met the green staring back at him.

Pulling away enough to grab Dean’s hand, he entwined their fingers before grabbing Dean’s forgotten bag off the ground.

“Let’s go.” He said, giving the hand a playful tug and Dean laughed, both running up the steps and into the snow.

Looking back on it years later, Dean’s hand tracing the gleaming gold wedding band on Cas’s finger, they both knew. It wasn’t a bad idea at all.

**Author's Note:**

> So....what did you all think? Love hearing from you (pretty please leave a comment below???) Lots of love! xoxo


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